Sunday, February 5, 2017

Learning is Hard

You came home today for mere moments. You changed your clothes and went to work.

After work, you came home again. I was washing up, getting ready for bed and having a mental conversation with myself. I told myself to be cheery, to tell you to sleep, ask if you had eaten. When I opened the bathroom door, there you stood.

You were leaving.

I know shock registered all over my face. I started to ask where you were going, but stopped. I remembered our agreement.

I said I would get the door for you. I wasn't able to stop myself from asking if you were going to school.

You said you were. I said ok.

I shut the door too hard.

Gone. Where are you? What are you doing? Why am I so hurt every time?

I feel it's like I've been the abusive parent...instead of your real mom. Maybe that's the point. I am not your real mom.

Even though I thought there was a bond between us, it's been one sided. It appears that you feel nothing, well, maybe contempt, for me.

So, here I sit in the dark at 11:54 on a work night.

I wish I had done things differently. I wish that I had held a little of my heart back. I'm too emotionally involved.

It's okay. I'll get over it.

But not tonight. Tonight I'm going to sit here and think about how much I care about you. I'm going to cry and feel sorry for myself.

Tomorrow, I'll get on with it and put on my poker face, just in case you come home for a second to change clothes.

Be safe KK.


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