Hi.
You've been silent these last few months. While you haven't said anything, I believe it is because we called the police when you sister ran away in October. She was handcuffed and put in the back of a police cruiser. We were just leaving the house to pick her up at the station when you pulled up.
You were so angry, face flushed, hot angry tears streaming down your face. You wanted a fight. You begged for it. I refused. My only thought was of the little girl sitting at the police station. I told you that you were welcome to wait, but that we had to go.
It was a dreadful sight, little girl in cuffs in front of the large police desk. Her face was red too. Tears streamed down her face, embarrassed, scared, unsure. KK, you should know that when the Officer took the cuffs off your sister, she ran straight into my arms.
"I'm sorry!" she cried.
October was months ago. We didn't see you on your birthday. You refused to come in. You came for Christmas...with expensive gifts. I'm still confused by this. The gifts. We expected and asked for nothing. We only wanted you, not gifts.
And now, silence.
I called you out in a text. "Just say you're done" I wrote. You returned a text proclaiming that I was your "only mother". I didn't bother to respond. It was bull and we both know it.
The week before Easter I sent you the same text message that I sent the other kids in this family,
"Easter dinner, Saturday at 3:00 pm"
You didn't bother to reply.
Nor did you come for dinner.
It wasn't a surprise. I know you're finished with us. There's too much water under the bridge and you seem to be busy blaming us for all the disagreements and fights. It doesn't seem to matter that you played your part as well. There are no guiltless parties in this little adoption drama.
I laid awake last night, thinking of how I thought things would be. You know, that you and I would grow beyond all the crap from your teenage years. That I would get over all the lies and you'd get over my over reaction to absolutely everything.
Maybe in the future? It's hard for me to believe this. I think you're gone for good and it's sad. I grieve for what is lost. I grieve for what I "thought" our family would be like. I've learned a hard lesson, but a useful one.
I won't chase you. I won't nag or beg to be a part of your life, but you should know, I'm here if you need me.
Take care kid. Be careful. You're strong and beautiful and smart. Don't forget that.
