No Winning

"I think that that's the problem.      I respect you and dad a lot more than I used to so I don't mean to offend you guys in any way, I know that you guys have done so much for us and I appreciate that a lot and even though AL doesn't act like it she does too. And I know you guys have tried to understand us and it hasn't worked. But we aren't like normal people we don't see the world the same way that you guys do. We were raised by drug addicted parents who did not want us so we never really had parents so we don't know how to have parents in the first place. We grew up being very independent. If you want it to work with AL you need to be extra patient because she will be worse than me. The thing you do when your mad at us when you just walk away or say mean things or sarcastic things  or calling us names like you called me a liar all the time is not gonna make us want to have a relationship with you guys it's only gonna make it worse. And if that made our relationship worse then it's gonna be hell with AL. And you saying  that you regret adopting us or never should have adopted us it fucks with us mentally it makes me alone think that I'm not worth anything to anyone and makes me not want to be alive, who knows how it makes Allison feel. If you are doing things the way you did when I was there it's only gonna go the same way and I don't want that for her I promised her better. You just need to be fragile and gentle. And I think her seeing me more will help. I'm not going to kidnap her or feed her drugs instead of cereal for breakfast.I just want to be able to see her more, for her to be able to spend the night with M and I. She and I both need time with each other or it doesn't go well. And THE OTHER MOM isn't going to get in contact with you she doesn't mind if AL comes over or spends the night. But I'm an adult and I'm not her responsibility. And if you don't want to take care of AL anymore I will gladly take her off your hands. Maybe we could take about this more in person whenever if you want but this is important to me. And AL has nothing to do with this at all it's just I hate when you say stuff like that or make it seem like it's too hard or impossible to take care of us. You just need to find a different way to approach her or it's end up being really bad for all of us including me."


This is part of a text messaging frenzy that you and I had a week ago. It lasted until well past midnight and, as usual, started because of your sister. I responded at the time, but now, a few days later, I've had time to think to consider more clearly (instead of a blurry eyed, sleep deprived response). I don't want to argue with you, but I would like to clarify a few things. 

"We aren't like normal people..."

I know, believe me, I know. Having lived with the two of you for a few years now, I've figured out a few things. The emotional and physical abuse the two of you suffered changed the way your brains are wired. Neither of you see or hear the way others do. In fact, often times, you only hear a part of what's said. I use to think you both just ignored us, but then I saw you do the same thing to teachers and others. I can't imagine what it must be like to miss out on key elements of conversation and then try to respond in the appropriate way. 

"...like calling me a liar all the time..."

Yes, you are right. I did call you a liar. Do you know why? Because you LIED ALL THE TIME! You lied to me about being gay, about your boyfriend, about skipping school, where you were and what you did. You lied to your teachers, your coaches, your teammates. YOU LIED. From your point of view, it must be frustrating to have someone, a parent, tell you that LYING is wrong. After all, you've spent your entire life lying to everyone to get what you needed or wanted. Maybe I shouldn't have called you a liar, but what was a supposed to do? Half of the time I didn't know what was true or false. I spent nights laying awake trying to stay one step ahead of you and it wasn't always about controlling you...although I admit I have a control problem, but I'm working on it. KK, I want good things for you. I want you to graduate, I want you to get some form of an education. I want you to deal with your past, so that you can have a better future. Everything I tried, failed. There was no win for me.

"And you saying  that you regret adopting us or never should have adopted us it fucks with us mentally it makes me alone think that I'm not worth anything to anyone and makes me not want to be alive, who knows how it makes AL feel."

This part really pisses me off! I never said I regretted adopting you! I said maybe you would be happier somewhere else, what else could I possibly think? You and A treat us like shit. You lie at every turn, or you ignore us. You're nice to us when you want something and the rest of the time treat us like you wish we were dead. And you know what, that 'fucks with us mentally' too. That being said, I do understand how you could view that statement as a passive aggressive statement, wishing that we hadn't adopted you.

We are not perfect KK. We screwed up and I'm totally willing to take 50% of the blame, but you have to own your share. You were a nightmare and made it as clear as day that you wanted out. You wanted to come and go as you please. You didn't want a family and specifically, you didn't want us. That hurts, more than you will probably ever know.

" And I think her seeing me more will help. I'm not going to kidnap her or feed her drugs instead of cereal for breakfast.I just want to be able to see her more..."

Then see her more! How many times have I or AL asked you to come over or go somewhere with us/her? I know she needs you. You were your mother, for years and years. You fed her, protected her. The problem is, you want it your way or no way and that's just not going to work for me and here's why:

Your boyfriend's mother let you move in without ever meeting me. She just bought all of your stories and there you are, sleeping with your boyfriend and doing whatever the hell you want. Good for her, but I have a very low opinion of someone who doesn't even bother to get the ENTIRE story. I'm being brutally honest here. AL needs to be with you, but not over there. 

And baby, I know you wouldn't feed her drugs for breakfast, I've told you repeatedly that I trust you. When it comes to AL, I trust you more than just about anyone, because AL is the ONLY person you have ever truly loved.

"And if you don't want to take care of AL anymore I will gladly take her off your hands. Maybe we could take about this more in person whenever if you want but this is important to me. And AL has nothing to do with this at all it's just I hate when you say stuff like that or make it seem like it's too hard or impossible to take care of us."

I do want to talk about this in person, because I don't think you fully understand. You are an adult and have more street smarts than most, but I don't think you understand what we were trying to do here. This entire adoption was about helping you both succeed. Remember the goals: graduated, no pregnancies and no addictions. Small goals, but meaningful. You are both statistics and those stats say that you have a higher risk of failure than most kids. 

Mistakes were made, certainly. I've been frustrated and angry. I've been so mad I just wanted to tear you to pieces, but I never did, not when you lied or laughed at me. Not when you set me up to be the fool. I'll take 50% of the problem but you have to own it too. That's part of being an adult - owning your mistakes and apologizing when you are wrong. 

This has been pretty heavy but I need you to know a couple of things before I close. 

1. I love you. I love because I choose to love you and I always will. It's okay that you do not love me. I've learned that you don't have to receive love in order to give it. 

2. I'm proud of you. I know this life is a real struggle for you, but you are fighting through it, like the tough little street kid that you are. 

3. I believe in you. I know you can do whatever you set your mind too, but you've got overcome those voices in your head that tell you your dream isn't possible.

4. You need me? I'm there. Any time, any day. 

5. I love you. I know I said it before, but I need you to know it and remember it. 

Sometimes, more often than not, I feel like a loser. I have said to you, for me, there is no winning. I've come to understand that I don't have to win. If you go on and live your life and are happy and successful at whatever it is that you want, than that's enough. You do not have to love me, respect me or ever speak to me again, because I'm learning that your success with or without me, is all that matters. 

I love you KK - more than you will ever know.