Thursday, June 15, 2017

The Road Hard Traveled

One thing I want you to know is that we didn't really understand all the ins and outs of adoption. We weren't told that you and your sister would never really like us, much less think of us as family. No one bothered to tell us we were fighting a losing battle.

It's a shame, really. I like to think if I'd known we couldn't win, that we couldn't truly be your 'parents', that maybe we would have looked at our relationship with you differently.

What if we hadn't adopted you, but instead were your guardians until you turned 18? Would it have been different.

What if we had turned a blind eye to your bad behavior and just let you be. What if we'd told you the plan was for you to move out on your 18th birthday and helped you save money from the job you would have worked from 16 years old.

What if...

I think about these things. They ramble around in my head both day and night.

Sometimes, I dream that things were different and in that perfect world you and I are friends.

It's silly, isn't it? My longing to be a part of your life.

Adoption is NOT an easy road. It's a lie. Forever families are a lie too.

And no one told us.

This hard road gives me a headache. It's too long, too bumpy and around every corner is a new scar.

If I could shut off my heart and wipe my brain clean, then maybe thoughts of you wouldn't darken my life any more.

You are my greatest achievement and my largest disappointment. Not because you don't love me, but because my love wasn't enough for you.

The heart is a funny thing. It loves who it loves. You can't shut it off, even after someone throws your heart back at you, it rebounds like a boom-a-rang.

I hate this hard road.

This road doesn't allow for U-turns. There are no exits to Happy Land. The road is just bumps and detours and pot holes. You drive and drive, but never reach your destination.

I hate this hard road. So.Much.

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